May 19, 2016
May 16, 2016
For the past few years I have spent many days in hospitals. It has not been for me but for visiting other folks. Every time I go to one, there is something that jumps out at me that I can't quite figure out. Wherever you can sit down, there is a giant vending machine, chock full of Doritos, Cheetos, Doctor Pepper, Coke and diet Pepi's. Basically bags of salt and bottles of carbonated sugar water. One of the big reasons people are usually there in the first place has been because of a lifetime of downing this stuff. You would think doctors would be against this junk being in the hospital but it shows the power of the food industry. Soon doctor's and nurse's gowns may have Mountain Dew logos on them. I guess people are going to consume the hell out of it anyway. Hospitals may want to install hotel style minifridges in each room. Make it even easier for people to get what they crave.
May 11, 2016
May 9, 2016
There is an argument by serious meat eaters that goes something like this: plants are living beings just like animals, so it is wrong to kill them too. To jump into this debate is like a dog chasing it's tail. It feels like it was drummed up by the meat industry to counter vegetarians and health experts. So why not eat a little less meat this month to help the animals out. Heck, not only will you feel better health wise, you may even feel better about yourself as a citizen of the earth.
May 6, 2016
May 5, 2016
When you sell a product, always try to expand your user base. That's advertising talk for get more people to buy your stuff. So what I am doing is telling people that Meat Like Substance is also baby food. A stroke of brilliance. Good enough for mom, good enough for junior, I always say. I can hear the cash registers ringing.
May 4, 2016
Putting beautiful women in ads is a sure fire winner. I've stooped to it many times in the past. So it makes sense to do it for my own product launch. I envision women across the country forming Women Of Substance clubs. The mommy blogs will have a great time writing about the wonders of Meat Like Substance. It's true people's breath will stink after eating this stuff. My job is to make sure there will be the false perception that people look gorgeous and sexy by being a user. You gotta love advertising.
May 3, 2016
There is a reason ADWEEK magazine called me one of the great advertising geniuses of the 90's. This is the first ad for my product called, Meat Like Substance. I will create the illusion that this product is highly addictive. It must taste so good, you might eat it three meals a day. People will also think they are eating meat, which this is not. It is really made up of the scraps of vegetables people throw away, basically compost. The nice thing is that my product will contain no salt or sugars. Just brown garbage. That doesn't matter really because advertising will make people want to have it anyway. Plus they will feed it to their kids. I want to start them out young. So basically I have just given you a lesson in today's food industry. Oh and lastly there is one other trick I will use. I will charge a slightly higher price than my competitors. Folks love to think they are buying their family the primo product. Gets them every time.
May 2, 2016
I have decided to get into the food business. This is the new design of my product which I am revealing here. It's called, Meat Like Substance. Notice the cool package, which is everything. Each year seventeen thousand new food products are launched. Thirty two billion dollars is spent annually to sell this junk. I am after all, a marketing professional. People are willing to buy anything. The cigarette industry was great at this. Decades ago a cigarette executive noticed that they were throwing out the sweepings left over on the factory floor after the butts were all made. He took this useless sawdust and packaged it up and called it, KOOL. I'm going to do something similar. Take compost, all the bad ends of fruit and veggies, the tips cut off artichokes and the stumps of lettuce, the rotten broccoli, cauliflower, etc. I'm going to cook that stuff up with some rotten wine, soy sauce and leftover pickle juice. I'll turn that into little cube shapes, floating in the leftover gravy. As long as it's brown, I'll be fine. Presto. Lastly I am going to trademark the term: ORGANICISH. This will put my product over the top. Look for my ad campaign to start soon.